How to prepare for anal sex – anal sex tips

If you’re thinking about having anal sex for the first time, you’re probably wondering how to do anal: how do you prepare, relax and really enjoy the intimate moment with your partner? And is anal sex safe?

These questions are coming up more and more. According to research from the Kinsey Institute, more young women than ever – 45% – are exploring anal sex. So to answer your questions about anal sex for the first time, we turned to the experts. And although they all offered different tips for beginners, their advice had one thing in common: the key to anal sex is preparation and consent.

“Sometimes you’re not in the mood for anal, and sometimes your butthole isn’t in the mood even when you are,” explains Luna Matatas, sex educator and host of the anal sex podcast The Plug. “Beyond hygiene, preparation and communication, anal sex – like any other kind of sex – is hotter with more arousal throughout the body and erotic mind.”

That’s why being well prepared is so important, and educating yourself is one of the best ways to do that. Anal sex can feel overwhelming when you’re new to it, but luckily there are plenty of ways to familiarise yourself before trying it out for the first time.

“Seek out educational resources, research different toys, and think through the questions you and your partner might have,” suggests Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, certified sex therapist and founder of Modern Intimacy. “Take the time to communicate your needs, fears and hopes, and create an intentional plan.”

For a mantra to guide you through your first anal sex experience, Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, PhD, suggests the following: “Relaxation, lube, communication.” The tips below are all variations on that trio. Read on for more in‑depth advice on how to prepare for anal sex and make your first time safe, comfortable and pleasurable.

19 tips for your first time having anal sex

The tips below will help you make your first experience with anal sex a positive one. As mentioned earlier, communication with your partner, anal lube and good preparation are all crucial. Follow the tips below if you’re planning to have anal sex for the first time soon and you’ll be fine!

1. Relax your mind… and your body.

The last thing you want to be when you try anal penetration (or anal stimulation) is tense. “If you’re hesitant, nervous or not really into it, nobody’s going to come – and what’s the point of that?” says Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

If this is your first time trying anal sex, spend some time relaxing – take a warm bath, ask your partner for a sensual massage, you can even meditate. To prepare for anal sex, you can also focus specifically on relaxing the muscles in your anal sphincter. To get a sense of what that feels like, squeeze your butt cheeks – like a Kegel on the back side – and then let go.

2. Communicate openly.

Figuring out how to have anal sex with your partner starts with communication. “Talk about it first. As with any kind of sexual activity, anal sex is something that should be discussed ahead of time,” says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. “Share your fears and expectations with your partner, and make sure you both agree on things like speed, depth, etc. Believe me, this is an area where you don’t want surprises.”

3. Set boundaries.

Throughout the whole experience it’s your job to pay attention to what you’re feeling and to communicate that to your partner. If something feels uncomfortable or painful, say so. You might choose to set up a safeword to let your partner know you don’t want to continue or that you want to slow down.

4. Clean yourself rectally beforehand.

“A lot of people’s fear around first‑time anal sex comes from worrying about what’s going on back there (of course) and how that will play into the action,” says Needle. “To clear yourself (literally) of those mental worries, start with a nice hot shower and make sure everything is thoroughly clean around your rectum.”

5. Spend plenty of time on foreplay.

One of the best ways to ease into anal play is to make sure you’re extremely turned on beforehand. “The biggest mistake people make is rushing,” says Taormino. Start with foreplay, vaginal sex, anything that really arouses you. (Being one or two orgasms deep before you try anal penetration helps.) “The more aroused you are, the more relaxed your sphincter will be – and that makes for a hotter, easier experience,” she says.

6. Use lots of lube.

The key to really enjoying anal sex? Lube, lube and more lube. Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t produce its own lubrication. The more lube you use, the more comfortable and pleasurable anal sex can be, Needle explains. If your partner is using a condom, don’t forget to use a water-based lube or silicone-based lube (oil-based lubes are not compatible with condoms). Or use dedicated anal lube. Don’t be afraid to reapply regularly. More lube always equals better anal sex.

LIQUID SILK lube is soothing and suitable for anal use

7. Get into the right position.

For first‑time anal sex, the receiver (the partner being penetrated) should be the one setting the depth and speed of penetration. However, Ellen Barnard, certified sex educator, advises against putting the receiver on top for a first anal experience, because you’ll have to use your legs more, which tenses the pelvic floor and tightens the anal sphincter.

Barnard has a few other suggestions for beginner‑friendly sex positions. “I recommend lying on your back on the edge of the bed with your partner between your legs, and holding your legs behind your knees or resting them on your partner’s shoulders and rocking against them,” says Barnard. “This lets the pelvic floor be very relaxed and open. Spooning is also a great position, and you can move yourself back onto the penis or dildo instead of them thrusting into you.”

8. Take it slow.

No matter how much lube you use, your back door is not a waterslide. Your first time with anal sex should be approached like easing into a very hot bath. First you test the water during foreplay, with your partner gently rubbing a finger around the opening, before you experiment with actually inserting anything. Whether you’re using a penis, finger or toy, start slowly with just the tip before going any deeper. Tantric sex can be a good way to slow things down.

9. Try a toy.

Anal sex toys like a small dildo, butt plugs or anal vibrators can be a great way to ease into things. The key is to go gently and keep communicating. If at any point it gets too uncomfortable, say so.

Barnard recommends buying a set of anal plugs in graduating sizes and wearing them during other sex play, whether that’s vaginal, oral or manual. If you want to combine an anal plug with vaginal stimulation, Barnard suggests using a plug with a round flared base, since a plug with a banana‑shaped base can get in the way of vaginal stimulation.

10. Don’t cross-contaminate.

Whether it’s a finger, a toy or a penis, make sure you never go from ass to vagina. If you want to switch to vaginal stimulation after anal play, hop in the shower to keep the action going or keep a pack of baby wipes on your nightstand to disinfect in between.

11. Don’t forget to breathe.

In those first moments of penetration, the pressure often makes you hold your breath. That immediately tightens your muscles, which just leads to pain. Breathe deeply and evenly and focus on relaxing your whole body and letting go of any tension. It may feel at first like you have to go to the bathroom, but just breathe through it.

12. Speak up about pain.

Your first time with anal play will be full of new sensations – some weird, some amazing. What you shouldn’t be feeling is pain. If penetration becomes painful at any point, let your partner know immediately. You may want to add more lube, slow down, or pause and switch to other forms of stimulation.

Using props can also help with discomfort. Matatas recommends cushion supports or sex wedge pillows, especially for anal missionary positions.

13. Use a condom.

Just because there’s no risk of pregnancy doesn’t mean you can skip the condom if your partner has a penis. Condoms are the only way to prevent sexually transmitted infections. Just don’t go from anal to vaginal penetration with the same condom, as that can spread infections. Throw the condom away and put on a new one before penetrating the vagina.

14. Don’t forget clitoral stimulation.

There are lots of shared nerve endings between the walls of the vagina and the anus, so stimulating the vagina at the same time can feel great. If you’re comfortable with it, insert something (maybe a finger or a vibrator) into your vagina while you’re playing anally.

But if this is your first anal experience, consider focusing only on the clitoris. “Vaginal stimulation can tighten the pelvic floor and make anal penetration a lot less comfortable,” says Barnard. “So I tell people to focus on lots of warm‑up and clitoral stimulation to boost blood flow and arousal and make it easier for the pelvic floor muscles to relax.”

Queen says that for most people with a vulva, “the clitoris is the primary driver of sexual arousal and it’s also much easier to stimulate than the vagina when you’re doing anal.” The receiver can do this themselves, using a vibrator or their hands.

15. Mix things up.

As you get more comfortable with anal sex with a partner you trust, you can explore different positions. Spooning is another great choice for backdoor beginners. This position gives you shared control over movement and adds an extra layer of intimacy, which can also help you relax. Doggy style gives your partner easy access but also full control, which might not be ideal for your first time. If you feel pain at any point, ask your partner to ease up, stop or switch positions.

Penetration doesn’t even have to define your anal sex experience. There are lots of ways to find mutual pleasure without penetration. “Anal play can be both external and internal,” says Matatas. “There are so many nerve endings at the butthole. Why not tease them? Try holding vibrators against the perineum or butthole, rimming, or giving an anal massage.”

16. Prep the room in advance.

Trying anal sex for the first time can get a bit messy, so you’ll want to be well prepared. “Keep an extra dark towel on the floor or nightstand so you can set used condoms and sex toys straight‑from‑the‑butt on the towel and worry about them later,” Matatas recommends. “Also keep lube close by. You’ll need to reapply during penetration. And use latex or nitrile gloves to contain the mess and protect delicate anal tissue from ragged or sharp fingernails.”

17. Look for inspiration.

“A lot of first‑time tips miss the fact that, in addition to planning for physical and emotional safety and thinking about hygiene, sex is also supposed to be pleasurable,” says Shadeen Francis, certified sex therapist. “What is it about anal play that makes you curious or turned on? What feels exciting or interesting?”

Anal porn is a great way to open your mind to what’s possible. Use erotic audio, images or video to get or stay aroused. This can also be a way to explore any kinks and fetishes that might interest you.

18. Don’t stress about it.

If you’re wondering when the right time is to have anal sex for the first time, remember there’s no right or wrong answer. For some people anal sex is a no‑go, and for others it’s an exciting option. Either way is fine.